2005-11-29 - 11:59 p.m.

Once upon a time a girl got up extra early for school one day on account that it was PICTURE DAY. This said girl plugged in her curling iron and made sure it was extra hot before she carefully teased and curled the absolute FUCK out of her lovely platinum locks in unison with Studio Curl Pumping Spray and a 2 ton drum of Final Net accompanied by the blow dryer. Of course with roots 50 shades darker than the rest of her hair and eyebrows resembling wooly mammoth caterpillars - this was kind of like waxing a wrecked car. When this girl felt proud and confident that her hair was just right she unplugged the curling iron and applied a double helping of Love That Red lipstick by Revlon, and two grand swoops of Wet n' Wild Onyx Black eyeliner. NEVER EVER in the history of Oak Hills High School would there EVER be a prettier school picture.

7:53 am - Two minutes until the bell rings, a maroon Volks Wagen Rabbit scampers madly at about 85 miles per hour down Cleves Warsaw Pike - "Groove is in the Heart" blaring from within.

Everyone is minding their own business when suddenly an uncanny aroma fills the interior of the car. One glance in the rear view mirror discloses a hysterical Suzanne and two other angry passengers. Being a common occurrence, the frenzied reflex of manually rolling down all windows as quickly as possible ensued. Suzanne graciously accepted the surge of verbal assault from her fellow passengers and continued her bout of laughter. A squall of 85 mph winds cleansed the atmosphere of the Volks Wagen Rabbit and three sets of lungs resume operation.

7:55 am - On two wheels the Volks Wagen Rabbit squeals into a single remaining parking spot. Driver and passengers embark on a mad dash to their respective homerooms as the bell is ringing.

8:15 am - It's show time. Lights, Camera, Action... make way for the PRETTIEST girl at Oak Hills High School. Shoulders back, head held high she makes her way to the gymnasium. After declining a complimentary comb emblazoned with the photographer's business listing in gold lettering, the girl decides to do a quick appearance check before its her turn to stupefy the photographer with her extraordinary beauty.

(insert sound of needle scratching on record here)

The remarkable display of perfectly curled bangs, the array of cascading spirals. Gone. Vanished in the wind. Quite literally. A pool of tears welled up in her eyes.

"Next," the photographer yelled out.

In a panic she thought about yelling, "FIRE!!!" but instead shuffled up onto the stage with a lump in her throat, sat down on the spinning stool in front of the faux marble back drop and managed to muster up a half smile that could have inspired DaVinci:

the past - the future

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