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2005-09-30 - 4:26 p.m.

I was innocently scanning through a catalog I had recently received in the mail the other day. Just about every day I am bombarded with countless catalogs ranging in everything from construction wear to vintage toys. This particular catalog fell somewhere in between. The cover claims �Memorable Gifts That Delight, Entertain & Amuse!� Here are some of the items featured within:

Glass Unicorn Figurine � This is something I would only purchase in jest for my dear friend Margaret simply to annoy her. However, $49.95 is a pretty steep price to pay for the sheer purpose of pissing someone off. Especially when there are fiber optic eagle figurines up at the truck stop for $15.99.

�What Happens at Grandma�s� Kids T-Shirt � MILK AND COOKIES??!! How about the time my friend Suzanne and I (both age 14) convinced Oma (my Grandmother from Germany) to purchase us a 2 liter of California Cooler during a trip to the grocery store. "Oma, we hear that this is really good apple juice!" "Acht! Put it in ze cart den!" This was all a great idea until my baby brother (age 6) came stumbling drunk down the hallway after having indulged in too much "apple juice". OOPS! "What's wrong with Joey???"

Sisters Musical Keepsake Box � If I ever purchased this for one of my sisters I might receive a dirty look in return. Especially after they opened the lid and heard �Wind Beneath My Wings�. How exasperating is THAT???

And THEN somehow the publisher of this catalog decided to discretely (??) throw a freaking vibrator in there disguised as a �massager�. The name� the name� laughing� WHAT??? Who in the fukuoku are they trying to kid??? Delighting? Entertaining & Amusing? You betchya!

�Mommy, the battery from my watch is missing!�

the past - the future

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