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2005-03-19 - 10:39 p.m. wiping mouth with a moist towlette (for my convenience) * Ahem� where was I? Let me tell you � there is NOTHING quite like feeling SICK for three entire months straight. I�m just glad that it was me that had to go through this and not my husband. He would have been in intensive care. After a quick upside down tap of the keyboard I am nearly headed back into my downward spiral of nausea. Where in the HELL did all of that CRAP come from?? A quick examination of the contents, now on my desktop, reveals the following: bird seed, bread crumbs, cat fur, bits of paper, a bitten fingernail piece, sweater lint, confetti� Confetti? Must have been from New Years Eve. I won�t bother trying to analyze how any of this found its way into my computer keyboard (for your convenience). Anyway... it's good to be back. I was in the middle of catching up with some of my favorite diaries, and wouldn't you know it, Diaryland's server combusted or something. I thought at first that it was MY computer, as is usually the case. I rebooted a couple of times and quickly discovered that, for once, it wasn't me. I was right in the middle of laughing sorrowfully at Milomilo2's dogs� unfortunate encounter with a skunk. Gads. Going on day 2 here and no Diaryland. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and to hell with the mannequins in Motherhood Maternity. They are barely 8 inches wide with tiny hips and shapely little bellies that look adorable in anything. These mannequins are not representative ANY pregnant woman here on planet earth and should be burned. Either that or melt a couple of them together and set some realistic standards for pregnant women to live by. Instead I walk in there, and after one glance at these plastic figures modeled after freaks of nature, I felt like pre-surgery Carnie Wilson. (thanks, maggie) I thought I had problems finding jeans when I wasn't pregnant. Finding maternity jeans is borderline ridiculous. First of all we have the denim stretch pants. Let's face it folks, these are NOT jeans. Who ever designed them is just mean. There are no pockets to be found anywhere on them. Just a big extra wide, heavy-duty band of industrial strength elastic around the top. When worn they give the illusion that you have a bean bag chair stuffed into the back of them. (That COULDN�T be my ass!!!!) The mere fact that they are made of stretchy denim material isn't fooling anyone. Then we have the jeans with the fabric belly panel over the front. These are all fine and good as long as the back of the jeans don't go up just beneath your bra strap as they do in the front. A pair of GIGANTIC pockets taking up the entire surface area of your upper and lower back is NOT attractive nor is it at all comfortable. It is stupid. Then we have the concept of low rise maternity jeans. This would be a great idea were they to stay UP. I figure if I have to go out and buy a pair of suspenders then I may as well buy a frilly collar with rainbow pom poms on it and giant oversized shoes that honk when I walk. Or perhaps a pair of boxers underneath � so that way when the crotch wound up down at my knees I would just look like a true thug life playa playa, YO! In other words, I'm still searching and making do with the vast array of sweatpants in my possession. One bleak afternoon at Sears I decided to venture upstairs to check out their maternity section while my husband browsed the lawn equipment. I circled the floor 3 times � not bothering to stop and ask a sales clerk for direction. They were all busy assisting other customers and I was not about to wait in line to ask a stupid question. By the time I stood there and waited, I could have possibly found it myself. Juniors, Misses, Petites, Lingerie, Shoes� * sigh * Juniors, Misses, Petites, Lingerie, Shoes� * what the fuck??? Juniors, Misses, Petites, Lingerie, Shoes� Look kids, Big Ben! � Parliament� So I finally walked up to a counter and brazenly interrupted a sales representative / customer conversation of tittering small talk in the Petites department. �Can you tell me where I could find the maternity section?� I was nodded off into the back left corner of the store, �It�s back there, hon.� I was just back there three times and saw no such maternity section � but maybe I missed it, I thought to myself. This said maternity section turned out to be the Extra Large Women�s section. I stood there for a few minutes searching in vain for a couple of racks off to the side that were labeled as MATERNITY. Nothing� just rack after rack of muumuus and enormous �blouses� that could sleep a family of four. It was the rack of powder blue �slacks� with the 5 pounds of sneering elastic around the waist that set me off into a pissed off march out of that store. The implication that being morbidly obese is synonymous with being pregnant does WONDERS for one�s self image. And to think I�m not even at the halfway point yet! Ah, the joys of motherhood!
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