2004-11-22 - 10:57 a.m.

Today is Start Your Own Country Day. I would like to wish each and every one of you a Happy Start Your Own Country Day. There is a whole list of November holidays at bizarrenews.com that I unfortunately I had not been aware of until late. I think that every so often Hallmark, 1-800-flowers, Godiva and the post office browse through this list and mutually agree to incorporate a few of them into mainstream holidays so as to boost their yearly earnings, and cause family rifts and riots when one of these �B-Side� holidays is accidentally overlooked. I believe that Sweetest Day, Grandparents� Day, Secretaries� Day, Boss�s Day, and Bring Your Daughter to Work Day were all once a part of this list. Before long we�re going to be expected to send cards, flowers and chocolate every single damn day of the week.

So here it is Start Your Own Country Day. Wow. I guess I have to start SOMEWHERE with this one. First I will need a plot of land to establish as my country. I guess this new territory will have to be the front and back yard of my house, since that is the only physical land that I can dictate any ruling on. Example: �Hey kids, get the hell out of my yard!� Although tempting, I doubt it would go over very well if I were to stake my claim on the entire neighborhood. My neighbors would find a sheet of Xeroxed paper that I stuck in their mailboxes late Start Your Own Country Eve with a whole new set of laws and regulations they were expected to follow starting now.

1. Christmas lights may not remain up on trees or structures past January 7th. For each month over a $200.00 fee will be incurred. After March, you�re eligible for substantial jail time.
2. Vehicles may not be parked in front lawns or back yards. Driveways were invented for a reason.
3. If your Winnebego that was on its last leg to begin with suddenly catches fire and melts into an unsightly charred mess, under no circumstances is it acceptable for it to remain in a pile in your driveway for the rest of the year.
4. If someone backs into your mailbox and snaps the wooden post in half, it is not acceptable to leave the whole debacle tossed up onto your side porch for the next 6 months.
5. There is to be no revving of engines for 2 hours straight. Drastic measures may be taken to prevent any further noise and air pollution, especially if I was sleeping.
6. There is no reason what-so-ever to drive around with neon under your car other than to advertise to me that you are not fit to be out mingling with the general public. You will be apprehended and punished.
7. Anyone with �Piss on _______� stickers displayed anywhere on their vehicles will be promptly deported and their dumb truck will be extruded into tin foil.
8. Fireworks, bottle rockets, etc., etc., etc. are for the Fourth of July ONLY � not 6 months before and after. If you lose your hand as a result of lighting off a stick of dynamite at the end of your driveway, that is your own problem. One word, �See?�
9. If your lawn mower runs out of gas, it may not be left in the middle of your lawn to rust and gather weeds around it for the next several years. This does not mean that it is broken. Fill it up with gas and watch the magic.
10. The new national anthem is Chica Chica Boom Chic for no other reason than it happened to be on the streaming radio when I was trying to think up a national anthem.

I might have furrowed a few brows with that whole idea and I fear that my reign would have been short lived. Undoubtedly it would result in a sea of Nascar-stickered monster trucks up in my lawn revving their engines at me.

�Let them eat cake� or something!!!� I�d yell out the front door before quickly slamming it and hiding under the bed.

the past - the future

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