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2004-10-17 - 8:06 p.m. I had nothing better to do today so I went shopping. Due to the fact that some of my clothes are still lingering around from 10 years ago, I figured I should maybe get some new ones. I never ever want to become the victim of a fashion crisis. You know... the girl who hasn't changed a thing since 1987. She's carrying around a spaghetti strap plastic Liz Claiborne emblem design purse, her stone washed jeans safety pinned at the bottoms, a hot pink pair of flats, big puffy bangs and a cable knit sweater that matches her shoes. It would be very easy to become fashionably hindered out here in my little rural suburb. I used to be very fashion conscious in my younger years and it seemed to just come naturally. I never had to work at it. I'm not sure what happened. A combination of getting married, having a baby and living in Kentucky all had something to do with it, I think. I didn't feel like getting dressed up just to go shopping, so I threw on an old frumpy long sleeve t-shirt thing and a pair of shapeless jeans and gym shoes. My husband had taken my car so I was stuck with his big white Chevy Silverado work truck with the company logo in vinyl on the side. On my way to T.J. Maxx I glanced down at a big hard hat lying next to me on the seat. For a moment I considered putting it on. Hell, I already looked bad enough. Why not? A little icing for the cake, if you will. I was in no mood for tricks though, so I left it there on the dusty seat. I am probably the only female I know that does not enjoy shopping. I hate this task so incredibly much that it puts me in a bad mood just thinking about it. The whole time I'm ever in a store there is always SOMEONE in my way. When I shop on the internet, there is never anyone in my way and I have the whole store to myself without someone standing too close to me, humming along with a Pat Benetar song set to elevator music. "Hmm HmHmm HmHmm Hm Hmmmmm (I'm gonna harden my heart)... HmmHmm Hm Hmmmmmmmmm(swallow my tears)...(I'm gonna turn and leave yoohooo heeeeere...)" How about just moving your cart so I don't have to stand here any more? Thanks. That bothers me so bad when I'm in a particular clothing aisle and someone has to sidle up RIGHT next to me trying to be Siamese twins with me. Go away!!!! There are 300 other aisles with the exact same stuff and I was here first. After about 40 minutes of circling the store 300 times I had a cart full of jeans and sweaters. Optimistically I shut the dressing room door behind me and went about trying on the assortment of jeans. According to Limited Express, I wear a size 3. According to some stupid hateful other brand, I wear a size 9. What the hell? Had either of the pairs fit like I wanted them to, which do you think I would have bought?? Hello?? I don't even KNOW what size I wear anymore. It's been that long since I've been shopping. And now this situation wasn't helping matters. It is hard enough as it is to find jeans in a size that fits without making it look like my ass either fell off or got squeezed into some jeans meant for a 6 month old. A couple of the jeans fit, but they had some stupid funnel shape going on.  Who is shaped like that?????? Over and over again with each pair of jeans, I pulled them up (some of them not even bothering to button or zip), made a disgusted face in the mirror and threw them off. Six pairs later, I got dressed and handed the pile of dumb jeans to the dressing room attendant. What a complete WASTE of time!!! This is another reason I hate shopping. What exactly is fun about this? I found 2 more pairs of one of the same brands I had just tried on in different sizes. Maybe THESE will fit! Another 10 minutes wasted. Oh, to be funnel shaped. (?) I did find a pair of pointy black boots to assist me with the vampire look that I'm currently working on. What?
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