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2004-10-05 - 9:22 p.m. WWM&AD
Geoff was away for most of the weekend while I came down to visit Maggie and to color on her walls, as per her request. The only recollection I have of him being there was when we dragged him out of bed in a drunken stupor (see previous entry). Then he was gone to go visit his family in Columbus way before I stumbled out of bed in late afternoon of the following day. I always appreciate a good "WHAT IF" scenario played out in my own thoughts. My hubzind and Maggie also enjoy "WHAT IFs" as a favorite pasttime. Perhaps this is why I enjoy shows like Candid Camera, Punk'd, and the like. While painting cute little butterflies and ribbons in little girls' rooms I often drift off into my own little world and entertain myself with such thoughts as, "WHAT IF this little girl's mother came upstairs to see how the mural was progressing and instead of seeing the frilly little gingham kittens and fairies that she had requested for her little princess was confronted with a big skull and crossbones, or a gang fight. WHAT WOULD SHE DO?" One day while I was in the middle of a mural, Maggie called me on my cell phone. After I described the meadow of wild flowers framed by a white picket fence that I had painted Maggie wondered aloud, "What if they came in and saw that you had painted a rotting cow carcass being devoured by vultures in the middle of the meadow?" After catching my breath from laughing so hard at their imagined reaction, I was able to explain to her that I've actually thought about that on the same level. It's not often that you can share that special kind of sickness with another individual. So when I came down to do some decorative painting for Maggie (and Geoff), it was only natural that we attempted to recreate such a scenario without actually ruining any of the walls (or kitchen cabinets as the case may be). That's where my other best friend Photoshop comes in. Geoff happened to be out of town, so why not "create" a catastrophic mural and e-mail it to him. There were two wall recesses that I was going to paint. They were the perfect shape and size for a trompe-l'oeil of a window scene. We came up with all kinds of ideas: a Trans Am out in an overgrown yard of weeds � up on blocks of course; Big Bird from Sesame Street (for the wall recess in the dining room); or a peeping tom with big bloodshot eyes and missing teeth. OH, WHAT IF!!!! We couldn't do anything too over the top, we realized, or he would know right away that we were full of it. I first took a picture of the kitchen and then introduced the digital image to the wonders of Photoshop. Meanwhile in Columbus, Geoff opened his e-mail from us and was confronted with big tacky wineglasses plastered into the center of every cabinet in his kitchen:  And this, which we also came up with for one of the recesses:   A few minutes later a phone rang. Giggling like a complete fool, I quickly pulled myself together and opted to answer the phone feigning a voice of proud accomplishment. After talking it out, Maggie and I concluded that had she been the one to answer, he would have immediately told her how he REALLY felt. "Did you get the e-mail?" "Uh� yeah!" (simulated joy) "Well?" (as if I were asking him to comment on my surefire solution for world peace) "I� (laughing)� I'm not sure about it. Did you guys really paint the cabinets??" (pausing to bury laughing face in couch pillow) "Geoff!! You don't like it??" (loud whisper to Maggie: "I don't think he likes it!!") "It's not that I don�t LIKE it� I think I'm just going to have to see it in person, is all. Maybe I'm not seeing it as I should . I mean...(uncomfortable pause) if you guys are saying it looks really good... I mean... I trust you... I trust your judgement..." (trying to sound convincing) "Omigod!! You will totally LOVE this!! It is soooo modern and it goes with the wine theme that you have going on in your kitchen! What do you think about the elephant?" "Yeah, but... nevermind..." "Here� I'm just going to have you talk to Maggie." (pause while Maggie gathers her wits) "Geoff??? What did you say to her? You totally hurt her feelings!! I thought you would like it, otherwise I wouldn't have suggested it... whatever..." (pausing to muffle laughter in the other couch pillow) Geoff went on to comment about how if they were to sell the house in the future that that is not going to be everyone's taste and it would be super hard to get big giant wine glasses off the cabinets because you just can't PAINT over the natural wood and have it look nice. He's not so concerned about the G.O.P. elephant in the foyer recess because they can paint over that... WHEN they move, of course... "I'm not going to talk about this right now. She's right in the other room and her feelings are HURT." She hung up the phone and we high-fived each other releasing the pent up laughter. For about five plus hours Geoff was under the impression that we had destroyed his kitchen cabinets and plastered a big red white and blue elephant in his foyer. We laughed imagining his Mom looking over his shoulder at the computer monitor - speechless... we laughed imagining him telling his brothers and their wives about this atrocity over dinner. It was priceless. When we figured time was up, we sent him a couple of mpg videos of us jumping up and down in the kitchen (where clearly the cabinets are without wineglasses), throwing our arms around and pointing at the camera, mouthing the words, "HA! PUNKED YOU OUT!!!" in trucker hats. Yes, we may as well be in 4th grade, but it was FUN. Okay?? Unfortunately, Geoff's parents' computer was unable to recognize the mpg format and he couldn't view them. So we sent these photos:   and called him in Columbus to check his e-mail. He was in the shower and his Mom answered. Throughout the conversation with Maggie, she pretty much just laughed and said, "I don't know what to say..." which translated to, "You complete MORONS! At least I don't have to wake up to that shit everyday! What were you thinking???" Geoff went to dinner with his family before he had the chance to check his e-mail, which was way later that evening. Finally the long awaited sound of the telephone resounded throughout the house and then, "WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(laughing his head off)" before we could even say, "How do you do?" He was a great sport about it and was completely relieved to see the real thing:   That's all fine and good, but WHAT IF... 
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