2004-09-18 - 9:51 p.m.

I'm Sorry! I Didn't Recognize Your Voice!

It's been the norm for quite some time now that when calling any type of major corporation, chances are you're not going to talk to an actual person without having pressed 426 buttons first. This has never really been an issue for me because I can't remember it having been otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd RATHER deal with the automated system as opposed to being stuck on the line with some who clearly hates me for having called and rudely interrupted their Mahjong tournament, or someone who supposedly knew English when they were hired. Today I'd like to address the automated system of a company that we'll just call Sears. Sears's automated voice system brings me to the point of nearly shattering the cordless phone into a thousand pieces against a hard surface every time I have to call it. Their automated system utilizes some sort of voice recognition crap. Instead of pressing a button, they want you to SAY the option. Like they're trying to TRICK you into thinking you're really talking to a live person.

"...for parts or repairs including appointment scheduling, SAY, 'repair center.' for questions about a warranty or protection or maintenance agreement, SAY, 'warranty'..."

Usually when I've had to call this number I've not been in the best of moods because it means that something is broken and disrupting my life. On one special occassion, I came home from work looking to stretch out on the couch and relax. Prior to doing so I went to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of Gatorade only to discover 3 feet of water in the bottom of my refrigerator which then wound up all over the kitchen floor and my socks. Someone from Sears had just been here the day before to fix annoying little DRIPS of water that had been occurring. Bothersome water droplets? ... Or Niagra Falls? "Hmmmm... Let me talk it over with my husband before I come to a decision right away. I'd like to weigh the pros and cons ..." Well, I spent the next 20 minutes removing dripping bags of shredded cheese, waterlogged lettuce heads, floating cans of Coke, etc. and then mopped up Lake Brokenwaterfilter off of my kitchen floor. As you can imagine, this greatly enraged me and I was in NO mood to listen to some cheery bubbly automated operator voice trying to trick me into believing I was talking to a real live person.

"She" (being the automated phone voice) must have been carefully programmed so as not to recognize wrathful vocal intonations of enraged customers in an attempt to force them into pained politeness.

(long pause) "Sorry! I didn't catch that. What was that?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"para continuar este mensaje en espa�ol diga, ' espa�ol '!"

"REEEEEE.PAIRRRRRRR. CENNNN. TERRRRRRRRR"

"She" didn't understand me again, and "she" was still excited to be talking "with" me.

I'd just assume spend the next 6 months sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor amidst thousands of refrigerator PARTS I found at the junk yard trying to fix the thing myself and singing old hymnals about the trouble I've seen.

"If you are really angry right now and I'm bothering you pretty badly with my happy voice SAY, 'really angry'."

I was finally able to unclench my teeth with a proverbial pair of pliers just enough to pseudo-politely mutter, "REPAIR CENTER."

"Okay!! Parts and repair center! Let me know what you'd like to do! To order parts SAY 'Parts! To schedule a repair, say..."

"REPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRR!!!!!"

"Let me see if I can find someone to help you! One moment please!"

As if I'm supposed to imagine she's got the palm of her hand cupped over the mouthpiece of her rotary dial phone anxiously looking around for someone that might be able to help me????

"Janet? Can you take this call? We've got us an angry one! Sounds like she's got a case of the Mondays!" and then an 'understanding Mom' nod/smile is exchanged between the two women.

I listened to some swanky lounge music that was occassionally interrupted with a recording to remind me that my call was IMPORTANT. I was VALUED as a customer and my call will be asnwered in the order that it was received, followed up by a quick and nifty fun fact on how I might be able to solve my own appliance "problem" while I'm waiting. "Is your refrigerator plugged in?" ("Dahhhh??" crossing my eyes, sticking my teeth out, trying to lick the phone.") Eventually a real person answered my IMPORTANT call and scheduled my refrigerator repair time between the hours of 7 am on Monday and 10 pm the following Friday. "So, if you will please stay home ALL week without showering or sleeping - we'll have someone out to fix your refrigerator for you! Thanks for choosing Sears!

the past - the future

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