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2004-08-15 - 9:36 p.m. Real Estate? More like Creepy Estate
I couldn't sleep the other night, so I went out to the couch to watch some late night TV. I settled on the Real Estate Channel for the chance of catching some unintentional amusement. "This charming two-story features two bedrooms, one and a half baths and a gold trimmed couch. A must see!" Light pink carpet with dark green drapes. A 'wish I didn't see' is more like it, I thought to myself. When William was in the process of looking for a home there was one in particular that no amount of mind bleach could ever get rid of. We had an appointment to meet with the realtor at the house at 11 am. The house was all but fallen apart - BUT it came with a lot of land. This was before William and I were married - or even engaged so I figured, what the hell... I certainly don't have to live there, but I'll go give him my opinion on it. Already having formed an opinion, I stood on the front porch with William and the realtor. Conveniently, we didn't even have to use the key the realtor had been given because, turns out, the people currently renting the "estate" were still home! I would soon realize they hadn't really made any plans to go ANYWHERE! Through the glass storm door we watched with great anticipation as a barefoot woman gestured us in with a nod of her head from her couch. The Woman of the Couch seemed completely uninterested in us. There was no pie baking in the oven or soft piano music playing to help us envision this as "home sweet home". The interior was in the same predictable state of disrepair that the exterior exhibited. The word "GUTTED" came to mind several times as I attempted to play out some remodeling ideas in my mind - which were then quickly abandoned. Uncomfortably and quietly, we made our way around the house trying to pretend nothing was wrong. Kitchen... sink full of dishes... bedrooms? "Um, excuse me, maam? Where are the bedrooms?" our realtor asked Lady of the Couch. Lady of the Couch 'nodded' us in the direction of a closed door. That moment was almost better than Dorothy opening the black and white door to step into the colorful land of Oz. Cue up the angelic munchkin chorus accompanied by strings... there before our very eyes appeared to be a large girl with messy hair all curled up in bed staring at us through squinty eyes. The rest of the room was in SHAMBLES. Surely, I'm hallucinating, I thought to myself while biting my lips closed to curtail a gasp of horror. After I pinched my arm, Sleepy Head sat up and yawned. "Come on in." "Um... that's okay.. sorry to wake you..." We closed the door and silently exchanged horrified expressions with one another. Lady of the Couch informed us from the other room that there is more "sleeping area" upstairs. This time we were warned that said sleeping area was currently being occupied, but we could go up. It was time for them boys to get up anyhow. We stood in the hallway staring at each other and the staircase not knowing what to do. Finally one of us declined the offer, "Um... that's okay..." We continued pretending that nothing was wrong and quickly skimmed over the rest of the house that wasn't being slept in, which was just the bathroom. This all would have sort of MAYBE made sense if we'd showed up unannounced at 7 AM on a Saturday morning. But it was not 7 AM. It was like 11:30. Not only did they KNOW we were coming, but the house looked like "a rat's nest"!!!! I recalled the days when my parents were selling our house when I was in high school. I nearly got sent away to an all women's correctional facility when my Dad discovered I had left HAIR on the DRAIN in the SHOWER right before a showing of our house!!!!! "At least I wasn't still sleeping IN MY BED amid empty cans of hairspray, half drank 2-liters of Mt. Dew and wadded up balls of panty hose, Dad!!" After a lengthy, complicated 2 second deliberation William decided against purchasing this particular residence.
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